For most of us, winter quarter has begun and the holiday season is over. Say goodbye to all of the great meals, beautiful decorations, and festive music; it is now time to move into the new year and re-establish your daily routine. However, there is one thing from the holidays that we can never seem to leave behind: terrible gifts.
Of course, we appreciate our loved ones and everything they do for us, but if we are being honest, there are some occasions in which we all would have preferred a simple card to whatever present was sitting underneath the tree. So, if you have an out-of-touch grandmother, strange neighbor, or lazy Secret Santa, this article is for you. Instead of letting this weird gift sit in your house for years, follow this seven-step guide to getting rid of gifts you didn’t actually want!
Step One: Regifting! Why buy more gifts when you can simply pass on the ones that you already got? After all, one man’s trash could very well be another man’s trash. With this method, you can get rid of the unwanted gift and save the energy it takes to get one for someone else! The only thing you have to do is rewrap the present in order to have a brand new gift! Just make sure you don’t give it back to the same person, or else they could get mad and exact some ominous revenge on you. This is especially important to remember if this person knows where you live!
But maybe the time for gift-giving is already over, and you don’t want to keep something like this around until the next holiday season. This brings us to step two.
Step Two: Selling! Now it’s time to bring out your inner business major and make some money. After all, the gift is now yours, and if they truly love you, your friends and family (or creepy next-door neighbor) would be happy to let you exchange their thoughtful present for some cold hard cash. There are lots of ways you can go about this, from selling on eBay to attending a flea market. Unfortunately, this method does not work if your gift is so disturbing that nobody actually wants it, which leads us to step three.
Step Three: Donating! At this point, it’s probably become clear that you won’t be getting anything useful out of this gift. You’re starting to feel paranoid, and worry that this gift may be watching you. That’s when you remember that you can just donate it! This useful technique will allow you a zero-stress way to get rid of whatever dark energy that gift has. Just drop it off at Goodwill, Salvation Army, or an unassuming random person’s home. You can even mail it to the president! I’m sure he would appreciate it, assuming something like this gets past the Secret Service.
Step Four: Repurposing! If, for some reason, you can’t give away this present (perhaps because everyone you tried has refused to let it into their home) try repurposing! This works great for personalized t-shirts from your fashion-clueless mom, portraits from your niece who “wants to be an artist,” and dolls made in your image by the neighbor next door who keeps on watching you through the windows. This method allows your creativity to shine. Simply brainstorm alternative ways to use these items that you find far more useful than their original purposes. For example, the pins underneath that doll’s dress could be useful for sewing!
Step Five: Force Someone Else To Help You Repurpose It! This one is self-explanatory. If you aren’t creative enough to make something new, find someone who is! After all, friends are there to lend a helping hand. This is an especially good option if this gift is so upsetting that you don’t even want to touch it anymore, for fear of being possessed or otherwise. Don’t be afraid to reach out!
Step Six: Destroying! You’ve tried everything. There’s simply no easy way to get rid of this gift. There’s only one more option: destroy it. There are several ways to go about this. You can throw it in the bin and wait for the garbage truck to take it away. Or, if you feel that would take too long and you are worried the trash compactor may not be enough, you can use other means! Some of my favorites include setting it on fire, running it through a paper shredder, or dumping it in toxic chemicals. Just be sure to use gloves!
Step Seven: Banishing to Another Realm! In the extremely rare case that this gift has the ability to come back from the dead, you may want to consider this option. It may take a bit more effort and supplies, but it will definitely be worth it, especially since you will finally be able to sleep at night. Just make sure that nothing from that dimension crosses over here! Instructions for this will come in the next issue.
Remember, you never know who, or what, is watching! Happy New Year everyone!